So you've found yourself in Spiffing-cum-Lightly, What now?
Hopefully, you've found accommodation at either one of our *top rated Bed and Breakfasts or pitched your camping gear at the excellent cow puddle **campsite. Now you must be wondering where to go and what sites you may behold in our wonderful village.
First you should ask your hosts on the best places to visit, do not be alarmed if your host quaintly deflects any other questions that you may have, especially ones regarding village life. Particular points of interest are the Local public houses, Duckpond and of course our World famous tin mines.
Time to set out
Once you step out into the clean ***wholesome air, you may be surprised by how quiet and picturesque the village is, enjoy it before the hustle and bustle of village life takes hold, You may notice certain villagers keep their eyes to the ground and struggle with eye contact, this is perfectly normal. If you have any questions please find a member of the D.W.P. who will gladly assess, record and strip search you, for your safety. Let's explore.
Where to go?
The north of the village is served by the wholesome Queens Amples public house, where the Landlady Mrs Abrahams, will happily talk to you for ages over a warm pint, often called the hub of Village life, although, the Amples has folk nights and Carrot fights on a weekly basis, it hosts actual fights on a Sunday and Tuesday with the Wold's End located in the South of the village, always a family friendly affair, why not place a wager on the Urchin baiting or have a go at 'Shoot Mr Filch'. After all, blood does wash out with the Mr Fruity's patented Blood removal cream.
The North of the Village also has the Manor House and library, plus some stunning Scottish Architecture, it is advised that you do NOT visit the Scottish Embassy for assistance.
The highlight of the South is the Wolds End Tavern, run by Mr Hartfield and Dave, the landlord can often be away from his station for long parts of the day, so please be patient when ordering. Any unusual sounds or smells should be reported to the D.W.P. immediately.
Finally on your opening day please feel free to visit the Tin mines, Stop at the gift shop or explore the meadow. Please do NOT visit the Duckpond without a guide.
For further information , please check our Blog regularly.
*All Bed & Breakfasts are rated 5 by the Dr Porridge Health Inspectors, rats are present for decorative purposes only.
** Campsite may be underwater due to the puddle, please be sure to secure your belongings and please do NOT feed the ducks.
***May contain, Lead, Formaldehyde, Heavy water, Light water, Cyanide and very small frogs.
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WARNING PHOTOGRAPHY IS BANNED IN SPIFFING ANY INDIVIDUAL SEEN TO BE TAKING ANY FORM OF PHOTO, WILL BE INVITED TO ENJOY THE HOSPITALITY OF THE TIN MINES FOR THE REST OF THEIR STAY. IF IN DOUBT ASK A D.W.P. OFFICER WHO WILL GLADLY ESCORT YOU TO YOUR NEW ACCOMMODATION.
Signed : -DR PORRIDGE